wow today has continued to be a really good day which i fucking love i mean yea tody was still fairly boring and what not but i am happy that at least even though its fucking broing as hell at least it isnt bad and bad thinsg arent happening so that at least puts me in a much better spirit and what not. so yep this week so far has been goign way smoother than every other week i have had so far as a whole so i guess things may just be turning up for me and slowly getting better :). there wasnt and hast been much to my day at all but i know that i had mye nglish class today . yes, the same english class that iw as having spo much issues with writing the paper with yesterday because i didnt liek what iw as writinga nd nothing was coming out so i was defiently having some trouble with my writing : writers block up the ass for sure but the paper well at least the rough draft was dsue today and we had to get in groups to do the peer reviews sheets. so my group was made of six peopel me antonio and frenchy and then three others who just joined into our group and the funy thing is as mcuh as i hated my paper it was voted in our 6 people as the ebst essay , the oen that was most put togetehr and th eone that had the most energy and interest in it ..so everyone really liekd mien and thought mione was te best but it wasnt the ctritcsm that i was tryiogn to get because they barely made any negative notes so i have to look over my essay and get shit through and what no t.

here we go soemthign to add soem obvious love and excitment to my boring but decent week so far thank god nothing has gone bad and what nto but this is soemthign that made me really excited when i saw it because fuck we all know my love for the band : wild beasts and welll i was traveling on pitchfork and foudn out that they had a new music video ..so i obviously had to pos it ....here you go : wild bestas thwe still got the taste dancin on our tongues.

so im not exactly sure but i have a random thought lately i have like had a really bad writers block lately and it sucks because i cant concentrate o my writing and it seems that all of this is currently happening becuase of my damn english class i dont know what it is bt it seems as though my english class is fucking me up on my writing instead of helping me because when i sit down and try to do ana ssignment i get complete writers block and i hate it because i love to write but things just arent coming out and what not and thats when it hit me :" i really dotn liek when i have to do things that i love  and liek my hobbies i dotn liek when peopel tell em, how to do things  and how i shoudl do all of these thinsg fror like assignments or even jobs and shit like that i mean like i love it seprately because its personal to me and i can like it on my own but im not sure if i actually enjoy having it out int he open and being criticzed and what not " but oh well we shall see hwo thinsg are goign to go but anywho i love all my work and its mien and personal to me but im not sure if i actually want to get into feilds of thinsg that i actually enjoy because at one point i may end up having that career ruin soemthign that i do love.

to my suprise today was not a bad day at all i mean it wasnt the greatest day ever and it was fucking boring as shit but none the less it was a really nice day liek nothing reallys hitty went down and i think that my luck is finally turning around and things are getting better slowly but surely they are getting better and im hoping things stay this way i cand eal with the uneventful days as longa as nothing bad and whack happens liek for the last two weeks so im just happy nothing really bad happened today ..thank goodness everythign went ok today btu nothing much really happened i just had liek two fun moments today but at least those where to really good moments for me and what nto which is always soemthing that is always a preasure and what not and liek i always say i appreciate whent he good thinsg happen because they dont ever happen as often as i want them to but im happy with it either way so any who heres what i did :

a} after a really good heated jewish related inetrnational rlatons class which was really good because david this jew guy was liek talking about semetic sand shit liekt hat and he was getting so emotionsla as the people spoke about ti and what not and of cours ei wanted to just go over their and give him a fucking hug becase he looke dliek he was about to cry so hard and we arent allowed emotion in international relations because it makes us irrational...lol...anywho after this heated discussion i went to go and have a late breakfast with desree<3..we were gonna got o ihop but it took to long so we just went backt o her aprmtent chiled for a bti and then we just headed to burger king to go and get soem grubbing done .

B) i hung out with jjose today as i always do on mondays and wednesdays btu todayw as reallyc oola nd we vibed moe than we usuallydo and shit liek that but anywho we chilled and what nto and also i got c alled out because my prof really liked one of the essays that i did on wuthering heigths which totally made me uber happy and i felt really good abotu that hap[pening and what not .

c) finally iw ent to the mall with my sister today to pemborke malla nd had a yummy pretzel<3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh how i hate college and what i hate more than college is having to pick a major, find a future career and you know what it is beyond stressful like eveyone should understand this but picking that one career that youll pretty much be doign for like ever is scary as fuck having to make that big decision because its like shit youll never really know if youll love it until you get to that damn point..but fuck im having so much trouble trying to figure out what i am goign to get into and like which feild or career i mean yea sure i know alot of feild that i would liek to get into but my main thing is that i need to figure out like which fucking career is the one that is rigth for me . the career that wwill make me happy? make me decent money that i can live off...and just the usual benfits of life just liek to be able to have enought o have a small apartment and afford food and regular utilities but liek which fucking career do i want to get into? im not even sure anymore at all because peopel have thrown me on an emotional rollercoaster when it coems to college and my future career because it is a very big decisiont o make and what not. these are a few of the feilds i am itnerested(humanities,art history, literature,graphic design,film,journalism,broadcasting and media relatiosn type of things and also anythign relating to art english and literarture and id otn mind anythign where i can work in all of these feild would be great but i need to seriously decided.)

any advice about college and future careers or if you have any ideas at all or liek soemthignt hat can lead me or push me int he right direction ..please do comment because im in need of some serious help..

feeling a bit to overwhelemed with school at the current moment in time because i know that alot of shit hasnt been goign my way recently at all and honetly all of that outsid e stress and worrying that i do and that does happen to me really does take a toll on me while i am at school and also when it coems to the work that i do at school and what not and sine i am talking alot of classes and to my surprise all of my classes are not only hard but all of them demand all of my time and they all send me tons and tons of homeowkr to do just by tomorrow i already have more than 10 assignments to complete and thats for tomorrow and several of thema re online quizzes and papers that i need to o and hoenstly 10+ assigments is alot of ashit to stress over and it has gotten  very hard for me to keep up with all of my classes o mean i think it has just become really fucking horrible because i cant concentrate and i feel like im not all into college and my mind is just somewhere else. i meanlike yea whatever i do my work and i try to put effort into it asnd what not and shit and its like fuck me its reallreally hard to balance six classes especially since itsa been so mcuh fucking work and all of it has been pilling up on me and not only has it been tons of work andalotof material that i need to cover for allof my classes and what not but my personal life and what nto is also coming into play again .......hmmmmmm im really at a loss right no w.

lol yep you guessed it right this is my final post abotu carnival life and my experience with working at a carnival and what not and you know what i am beyond happy that today is over and im glad that this is the last day that i am going to be workin at this carnival at all sothankgod all of this is soon coming to an end and what not. so today i worked from 6 to 9:30 i was suppose towork till 11 but soem thing came up and wekll my shift had to be cut muchshorter which i was fien with because honestly i had it up to my limits with woorkign at this carnival as a whole and im happy that i dont have to do it again . i had to work parkign detail all over againa nd what not and today was even worse thent he other two days for the fact that today it seemed that less than a hand full of people chose to listen to me ...there was mosty of the tiem peopel who didnt care to listen , tryign to run me over, people bitching because they went aroudn and foudn no parkign , and allt his other nonsence that i had alreadyy expected from all of these drivers because ive dealt with most of them the other previous two days and what not but there where a few thnsg that mad todaya  ltitle bit more bareable in a sense then all the other days besides all of the rude drivers who by the way almost everyone who came into the carnival where driving and all ont heir fucking phones...grrrrrrrrrrr

so one guy was really ncie to me and asked me to save his spot and parkign space while he quickly left to go to the bank and what not an dhoenstly i wasnt suppose to be he was the nicest persont o me in a total of three days of work and what not so i was happy at the fact that he was kidn so thats exactly what i did i went and i saved his spot for him and when he came back i got a very pleasant surprise....he tipped me 5 dollars..YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was very happyt o get tipped and i learned one thing even if i faila t life i can always work as a parking attendednt because event hough most people didntlisten to me alot o f people  told me that i was really good at my job and that i am a hard and efficient worker and i havea knack for parking cars....lmao..but for serious never again ...lol

so what i foudn out was that yesterday well at least in the morning when i woke up that ingrid had her shift at the carnival yesterday and that i wasnt gonna go into carnival work because i worked yesterday and it was time for ingrids shift and what not ..this pretty much made me really happy because i was really exhausetd from my other day of work and what not but later on when i picked ingrid up from school she was"so sick and dieing and she wasnt feelign well at all that if she did any work she would just flat out die" so my mom told me that since ingrid is sick and whta nto that i would have to go and cover ingrids shift whiel she stayed at home"supposebly sick " so i was liek fine i was upset about it yes, but i let it go and i didnt argue it or anythig liek tyhat and i just shut up and went to work . today work was from 6-11 and it was parkign detail again so i got y shit togetehr headed to th eparkign lot and tsrated to do what i did ..parkign detail was worse this time aroudn then it was the first day ./ this time i was more knowlegable about what to do and what not but its friday which is the carnivals busy day and its been tons of work more because all the cars started flooding in and they were flooding in very fast and alot of the time they werent paying attentiont oo what iw as telling them and ignoring my utter existence and started to curse at me when they had to go all the way aroudn because they could find parking(because they would role down their windows and listen to what i was telling them .).

the worse part was thata roudn 7 it started rainign so fucking hard it was ridiculous and i had no raincoat or umbrella so i was outside in the pouring fucking rain completelyd renched in water and iw as still out there having to direct traffic and elt me tell you being int he fucking rain till 10 from 7 fucking sucks ass especially when it rained non stop and didnt let up . so i stayed put and did my job and eys in the pouring rai n(and yes i am currently sick an dmy eyes are killign me and my throat hurts and what not but oh well ill deal with it ) but oh well at least the carnival closed at 10 yesterday so iw as saved from an hour extra of work and whatnot  and at elast i got a thank you fom the guy i was workign for sso it wasnt all a complete lost just because i got thta thank you ...but sadly i have to go ito ork again today even though my mom said ingrid would cover all today of course ingrids a princess and they love her and im a slave bitch and im made to work and do shit for everyoen else...so usual.

so i got home extremely late from workign not to mention my week consisted of several exams assignments and projects followed up by a car accident and two days of pitch black and honestly workign parkign duty for about seven hours tsraight at night you could only imagine how fucking tired i was and not to mention when i got home i got a call of a friend in need so i had to put my sleep aside and go into uber supportive friend mood which i do all the time and at the oddist hours of the night but i finally was able to just flat out crash and go to sleep. now, i dotn have school today at all which is a great thing because i was exhausted and wnated my sleep so when i feel asleep i was assumingt hat i would get to drift off and sleep as much as i wanted to but oh no once it hit 6 in the am my parenst adruptly run into my room yellinga dn screaming telling me i have to go and drop of my sisters. now, i had school of yesterday as well and i didnt have to drop anyoen of because my sister did it but for some reason or another they are compelled to have me do it today when i am blitheringly tired...not to emntion i told them look im exhaiusted an di need sleep and you knwo what they yelled at me? that im fucking lazy? im fucking lazy? excuse me are you fucking kiddign me ?????? im fucking juggling six fuckingc lasses, im raisinga nd doign everythign for your three fucking kids, and im your bitch and you guys have me run non stop errands and after all that i still get ..your fucking lazy ass???? excuse me im sorry but thats bull shit i work my fucking ass of for all fo these selfish assholes ..i havent had sleep ina  while and i try and get just a fucking few horus and im bein rbanded as a fat azy ass..iom sorry but i dotn think so ..douche..............

so my parents if youw ant to call them that told me that i will have to be working for a carnival over the weekened ebcause my sisters school requires that the parenst of the student put in soem hours at the school and work at the carnival because of the student hourse needed by the students and what nto and my mom went and spoek to the peopel and theyre leting me and ingrid cover my younegr sisters hours and what nto event hough "my supposed parenst are suppose to be doign it becuase its their damn kids and not fucking mine" but i let it go and was like fien ill go and work at the stupid crnival not that i had anny chocie at all in the matter bt you knwo what ahead of the date inw hcih i had to work i tried to pump myself up for this and try  to get myself to enjoy this experience because hey iw atched adventureland..fucking loved it...and its liek im livign through my ownlittle adventureland..you know living through a movi e? boy the shit they went thourgh was bad but it looked liek they had fun so i had these same urnealistic expectations for my career as a carnival worker.

let me start of by stating this ahead of time"DONT FUCKING WORK AT A CARNIVAL ......JUST DONT" because it is utter fucking hell especially if you are rbushed aside and giving the hsitties jobt hat they can possibly give you especially when your working 7 hours straight without beaks or thinsg fo such assortemtns . so i got stuck with doign parking ..parking out of allt hings int he carnival they had me workign parking.do you know how much parkign sucks? it fucking sucks hard as hell it was justa horribel horrible experience hat i really dont want to re do at all because it was ard difficult and veen worse every damn person was pushing my fucking buttons so much but you know what i kept my cool and dealt with such nonsence and i was fine fr te most part annoyed? yes.irritated? yes but i kept my mouth shut and di my joba nd this is what it entailed:

directing people and showing them where to park space by space
settign up parkign spaces and borders using caution tape
usuign flahslights to blind the peopel who irritated me and nanoyed my direction
showingt em how to park
sending them to the park end of the school where if we ran out of space they were suppose to park.
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 di any of this go down as suppose to ? of course not why would it !! so what really nded up happening is i did all fo this and i spent the majority of the nigth waving my hands int he air trying to get the attention of the drivers ebcause let me tell you almost 70% of the drivers refused to listen to me and they didnt want to park here or their and soem didnt want o roll donw there windows so they would get lost. then pople woudl curse at me and tart getting udner my skin because they were bothered byt he parking sysmtem and so ona nd so forth from 5 to 11 thats exactly what i did and let me tell you no one cared and they didt give a shit what is aid the cars did as they pleased...the sad part is that i ahve to work the rest of the weekned and my mom moved my nigth ut with my gramps so i can work of her debt to the school or her promise that she made to them...bitch 

its been a literall hell all over again i didnt know that this would happen and it was soemthign that honestly came out of no where it was very unexpected and later to find out that this was soemthign that i very much didnt want and the two weeks from hell have continued there way througha nd kept there stay much longer aat my poor expense of things. so wednesday after school i drove home it was aroudn 2 that i arrived home only to arrive hoem to notice that i had no power nor electricity and the onl ligth source i had was whatever light that choose to shine through ont his cloudy day. i was very fustrated that i didnt have power becaus ei ave alot of work that i need to complete online and just ingeneral most hing i use run with  power and electricty and at soem point it i s a staple of modern living for the most part at least for light and hot water. at , first i wasnt freakign out about this and was suprisngly calm about the whole situation previously having a semi car accidet earlier on int he week and failign grades a little power outing wasnt goign to phase me well aqt least not yet  i was able to stay put an dlisten to music: asobi seksu and beach house mainly just because it comfoted me while i had no power and i sat there reading soem old patti smith articles that i found in an old magazine . so i sat there with whatever light was comig through the window listening to beac house and readign soem old patti smith artticles...doesnt soudn bad right? well at first it wasnt bad at all for about two hourse i was fien with things but as it started to get darker and darker things started to sit in alot faster then iw as expecting them to and of course things came to a crash and hault.

we were in the dark for more than two days and let em tell you its not soemthign very easy to deal with being i a hoem that is pitch black for two or so das it  becoems ery hard t get aroudn and see especially ont he first night where everythign was so dark i couldnt move and had no flashlight so gettinga roudn was almost impossible for me , there was no food to eat sicne we had no microwave or stove, we had nmo hot water and no stove to boil water on , no light to see, no chargers to charge thinsg sicne there was no electricity, no iron to iron things on we had none of it fdor two days and the worse part about all of it is the attitude my parenst took with the whoel situationt hey didnt bother calling fpl seevral tiems liek i woudl have no they caleld once and let it go , they were calma nd nothing of this botehred thme at all and you know why it didnt bother them? because whiel there four kids where int he pitch dark finidng ways to get things done they were in light and ac and comfort because they dotn get hoem ont e first nigt of darkness till 12 at night and jus walked in said hi and went to leep. so i sat there in the pitch dark i coudl sleep ebcause iw as heavily bothered by everythignt hat was goign on aroudn me i felt so uncomfortable and im one to love the dark but this time aroudn it was different im at a dark pooint in my life and a literall darkness black out was not the thing i needed in any way whatso ever.

i was deseprate for food sicne the power wasnt workign alot of the tiem we didnt eat int hese last two days till very late at night which my parents got home and even worse showerign was jusdt a complete nightmare it was horrible it was comletely freezing and then there was no food and no power and i swear t god i hated every fuckings econd of it it was horribl i felt so vulnerable and i already wasnt havign a very good week and on top of allt hat shit this happens........ i finally have power again and im beinge xtra conscious about it and takign care of what i have because it feels liek shit to not have power and im gatefult o have ti again.

so today turned out to be a little bit tougher then i wanted to be but i was defiently and completely stayed strong thorugh out all of my day and i didnt freak out or stress myself to much but today was definetly a bit of a tough day to get through but i got through it and i got through it with several unexpected acts of kindness towards me which really made me extremely happy as hell. so today i had my english class which is whatever its not normal for me not to like a literature class but i just cant connect and vibe with this teacher at all but i do belive that i am passing her class for th emost part or at least i hope so but i know i can defiently pass this class and i am its just there is so much course work for her class and its all so fast and the fact that alot of it is online doesnt necessarily help me the most but i digress and do what i do todays class was fairly easy she was just showing us examples of how she likes the essays to be ..not a biggi e..but business law was a definite biggie today my one problem with my business law professor is that he chanegd the scheduel on me and really confused me i was suppose to do 8 and 9 liek two weeks ago originallly which i did do them on time bu he siad he was moving back 8 and 9 and also movign back our exam so id idtn know that he did that and thatonly affected thse thing instead of them affectign the whol scheduel liek i thought so i ended up missign a quiz that ic ant take ..grrrrr and i had a test tpday i thought the test was tough but i dsont htink that i did bad at all i think i got a decent score ont he exam but my grade in business law isnt lookign uber bright  but i think i have enough work left to make up for all my accidents int his course and i can at least pass it with a C and if anythign a low B

im workign on things slowly but surely i am defienlty working on things im just taking a deep breathe adn sittign down which is soemthign that a kind stranger told me when he left me on my lj on one of my post soemone i didnt know at all btu i really appreciated there concernand them giving me that advice because that made my whole last two weeks and i was really happy when i read that ...so thank you stranger

i think i need to start actig liek an actuall adult for once instead of acting like an emotional little kid who throws tantrums and moas and bitches about ever y little thing that goes to shit i mean lately everythign throws me off so damn badly but i want to change this because you know what im not a kid anymore im not a teenager and even though i have always been very mature for my age i have also always been really emotional for mya ge as well and im not the bet at keeping my emotions in check especially as of late but im workign n changing this because you know what? i am an adult and i am a grown up and im goign into an adult world where peopel arent nice and they arent friendly an dtheya rent goign to help you up when your down so i think that its time i stop whinning and moaning and no matter how bad shit gets for me i need to just take it as it is because its relaity and i need to fucking deal with it and make thing and make the best possible outcome of a really shady situation instead of letting the situation beat me and make me feel like crap its tiem i stop complaining and fix the fucking problem myself because no oen else is goign to fix it for me so its time i get shit done myself . no mroe bitching  with all these small thinsg that happen i just need to take them in stride and find a way to work through all of them ..which i know i can find a solution for once im back at full energy.

feelign alot better today sicne once i got home last night i rushed through my homework said fuck it through my phoen shut my laptop down and turned my damn tv off and i went directly to sleep ebcause i was beyond exhausted and was finallly able to get soem sleep sicne ive been having soem pretty shitty days lately so i was really happy that i was able to get soem serious slep in and what not and well wghiel i slept a very nice sleep i was able to wake up in a fairly good mood and im nto as tired at all thank god i went to sleep early for ocne but ive also feelign alot betetr emotionally physcially and mentlally as well which i wasnt doign so good eyterday but today im feelign alot alot better thank goodness.

ive decided that i just need to slow down and not let myself get way to overwhlemed with everythign and yes i knwo that everyhtign is hitting me hard now but there is no poitn to throw in the towel at all i am goign to stick with everythign i am doign and i am goign to hold my fucking head up higha nd continue with it an dmake sure that i try to make things happen to the best of my ability and i need to be able to stay stronga dn come together with msyelf and just be able to take care of myself and make sure that im ok because i owe it to myself to continue fighting the good figth i mean sure shits sucking right now but im really hopign that things will get better and im sure they will get better ventually liek i said i dotn care if i have to wait till im 95 to be happy as long as i am happy by the time thinsg are said and doen with .

im feelign really emotional right now and also really really confused and shitty i dont know dont pay attention to all this rambling but i cant help but feel that i have to have caused at soem point in my life i dont knwo what it was what i said or what i did but htere has to have been that one defining point where my parents decided to dislike me , when the outer forces choose to put me ont heir shit list, when thing would go all out of place but i really cant help to wonder what is it exactly that i did and i mean lookign at how much grief and regret i caus emy parents i dontknow what it is and event hought hey treat me like shit and hate me with all there beings i cant help but feel as though everythign is all my fault that i must have doen soemthign to deserve all of this  because i mean i cause or must cause ym parent so mucch grief i mean not to my dad because he likes me and hes fine with me and what not but liek my mom and step dad they really do dislike me witha burning pasdion and its like how can i cause so much pain and grief to two people without even it being intentional like i just have no idea at all and im honeslty sorry for all the shit ive done things ive siad to people or maybe the way i act or maybe im just being really selfish ,....i dotn really knwo right now my emoions are a mess and are al over the damn place ....

:( i think all i really want is just someone to walk me through all of this , guid eme , be by my side and honeslty i just need companionship right now because everythign is becomign very heavy and i cant lift it on my own and shit i just want a fuckign HUG!!!! ugh i men i feel so out of it im crying my stupid fucking eyes out right now because im at a lsos of what to do .

my life is literally just spiraling out of control its just completely lost all control i have no control over my life any more its like every little damnt hing is happening to me like all the shit that could possibly happen to me just seems to all go and happen to me and i dont get a fucking break its liek been one bad thing after the other and no good things have been happening at all its just shit after shit after shit and ts like how many more nights do i have to go without sleep? how many times do i have toold myself back fromscrying? how many nights and places do i have to randomly break down in? i mean like what more does teh worl or the outer forces love seeing me in pain? do they likeseeign me cry? do they like making me feel like im hopeless like a fucking peace of shi t?... ugh........i dont even knowanymore about anything at all everythign has just been hitting me so damn hard and its been hitting me int he worse of ways possible. nothingis goign right at all and its just one bad event after the other some days im even scared to step outside the door and i just feel like layingin bed all day and not allowing the plot that is my lfie go on because of ths hsit my day must have filled for me ..im getting so damn scared lately i eman so much shit has happned to me recently everythign possible has gone wrong everyhting i mean everything everythign has just turned into utter shi t, my worl has been turened upside donw, ive lost control and in relity ive been sod amnf ucking scared out of my mind lately and ive been feelign extremely extremely lonely in every way possible and my confidence lately has been zero to none and its all just hitting me really hard and it depresses me that i have to feel like this and be svred of this shit but honeslty my lfie has taken a turn for the worse it really has .

i try every damn day to be a better person, i try to do good deads, i try to help peopel and i try to change myself so that i can be a good personand actually have a shot at soemthign but it doesnt matter what i do nothing ever fuckingc hange verythign just has been goign to shit and its really hard for me to dealw ith all of this hit at once and by myself because for the last few months i have been dealign with alot of personal bullshit i mean alot of shit has been goign aroudn me and its happening nto liek oen thinga t a time instead ithas all just been hitting me all of it at one time i mean i have to deal with alot of shit and im only fucking 19 years old and i shoulnt have to feel anddeal witht he things that i go through . i mean fuck i cant handle it anymore its getting rellay hard for me to continue dealign with all fothisbullshit on my own its just way to hard for one persont o deal with this and lately its been really horrible i havent laugehd i n days havent smiled havent felt positive about myself in a really long time and i feel like its just all slipping throughmy fingers ...............i dotn know what to do anymore at all its just to much for me rught now

i may have spoken way to soon i said that in a previous post my parents didnt argue curse or kick my ass for what happened today and i honestly thought that it was pass this and that for ocne there will be no ridiculous backlash on me but you know what i dont know why i try to keep a positive outlook for msyelf when i know hings arent goign to turn out in a good way at all and im sure you guessed it by now but yea they eneded up cursing me out , chewing me up and spitting me right back out with such a force i mean they were so angry with me just like goign all out on me i mean every little thing i do get s critizced non stop and all its been for the last week or so has beennon stop arguing and everythign is my fault and no one else susposebly i mean i take resbonxibilty for shit that i do but its ridiculous when i get chewed out just because theyre having a bad day and need a punching bag to punch and i  mean yea i fucked up ok and i udnertand me getting chewed out for that but liek at the extent tht aits at really isnt helping me at all i mean im already in a hole and all this shit that everyoen keeps doign to me fromt he arguingthe shit talk the hate and everythign else its just digging me deeper and deeper into the hole and i guess shit nots goign well for me at all recently and all this shit fucking sucks flat out :(

im really sorry for being such a debbie downer lately but honeslty thats how thinsg have been goign recently like to be honest i have been pretty down lately and i am having soem trouble getting up again and back onto my feet and what nto and yes im aware that i do take oen day at a time but i mean the last few weeks have been extremely ass rough for me and im really havent been int he best of moods at all which is sad and ims ad btu what i want was to have a quiet week to make up for the horrible week that i had  the other week but hoenstly thins arent looking up to me at all and sadly enought oday was just as bad as the last week ebcause soemthign happened today that was really scary for me and it was all becaise of the stupid ass weather. so today in miami it has been raining very very ehavily liek extremelys tronga nd very heavy like we have flood warning up at the current moment int iem and what not and my parenst forgot to tell me that on my moms car one of the wind sheild wipers wasnt working and throught he drivers side glass you wont be able to see forward which is troubling because it wasnt justt he fct hat i coudltn see at all, but my bad eye site and furtehr more the wind sheild wiper wasnt workinga at all. so i was drivign extremely extremely slow like at fucking 20 bcuas ei honestly couldnt see a damn thing throughout her damn widnow because the window wiper was not workign at all  . so i was drivign vey slow and as carefula s possible because as i said befor eiw as unable to see.

so i took a turn t the correct time and it seems that a car was speedign up to pass me on the murge side and they almost smacked into my car btu i had to move my car to the side so it didnt fucking hti me dead on but then it pushed my car slightl onto the sidewalk and then i coudlnt see sht btu i kept my coola nd got of the sidewalk quick i was only a small part of the car on it but im happy that i am at least alive and there was almost no damage doen to the car and my parenst havent yelled at me yet so im really suprised by that but things arent goign so well ..ugh

so i finally have figured out what i needed in my life and the one thing that i do not have in my own life at all and well the one thingt hat i have decided that i needed in my life : what is missing in my life is peace and quiet !!!!! its official it isd defienlty the one thingt hat has been very much missing in my entire lfe and that is that i need my life to slow down take thing alot slower and then further more i need thinsg to be quiet and relaxed like a chill boring day soemthing just simple and contempateive and very very quiet. the thing about my life that bugs me the most is that my life is almost always soemthign doign down like almost all the time it is none stop goign going and goign and never gettingt hat break to stop , theres always tons of work i need to do, and not to mentiont hat ther is also tons and tons of noise liek theres noise all over the damn place wether it be people screeming and mainly all of those  damn arguments and noises and simply it seems like everyone is just like fucking fightinga nd arguing all the damn time and its just like freak n a alll i want is soem damn peace and quiet and that what my new goal is : to get more peace and qiet, think more and get out of my house and all of my very noisy atmosphere and all i want is thing to go slow and just be quiet and what not !!!!!!!

fairly tired tonight really really tired because i have been doign quiet a bit of work lately but not everythign today went as i would have liked it to be but thats fien with me because at least i tried and gave it whatever i had in me which wasnt much because i was just so damn tired and what not but hey you know i do what i do and what not but i defiently had alot of homeowrk that i needed to get doen wtoday which i have been working on all day but there was a little issue that came up wich i foudn a little fustrating but you know i try to go pass it because im working on myself and on the whole what happens when i get stressed which we all know is nt all that good but anydways here is a quick play by play :

i had alot of work for english, literature of sci fi , business law and international relations ...for international relations i had to go and watch fareed zakaria which was difficult becaus ei ont have cable so i had to make a trip to go and vsit my aunt to watch the program and then write my paper and what not ()which i completed), i also had some homeowrk for lit sci fi in which i had to write and answer some questions for our 12 chaps we needed to read of wuthering heights(which luckily i have read before and rember enough to answer her questions )(this i also completed), than i had to quizzes onlien that i had to take for my english class()which i took bot of them already and i also had to read all fo chapter 11 and 20 so extra pages of material from other book s..whcih i also completed)..now thats all i got dfone and these are the other thinsg i need to do but had trouble with

for business law i got locked out of the class because i was waiting for my 15 days grace period to be over so that i can go and buy the fucking code needed to join the class with the online work and what nto and i needed to do two quizzes and an assignment online i did one quiz early last week just to get it out the qway ahead of time but now that im locked out i went and bought the  ode online but when i put the code in i was getting tons of problems because they said the code was not valid-.- and this shit is due monday nigth so i need to call the support team tomorrow because they arent open today (my mom gave me so much shit for buying this code), then for english i need to buy another code so i can go into my complab and work on this assignments two of them but i dotn have the moeny and its due tomorrow night before 12 and im still convincing my mom to let me buy the code becaus ei need it for class....